Happiness is the emotion we like best.

We enjoy feeling happy. It feels good. And as result, we want more of it.

There are books and articles written on happiness. Movies and TV shows are created to make us happy.

We travel, choose careers, seek companionship, and even tolerate hard challenges in hopes that persevering will lead to happiness.

And yet for some people, long-term happiness never seems to find them.

Everyone knows it’s impossible to control what life brings us to deal with. Loved ones die, we experience conflict and trauma, relationships end, people get fired, disasters happen… and happiness surely isn’t the appropriate response in the immediate aftermath.

But in the face of difficulty, is it possible to remain positive, present and hopeful?

There are three essential ingredients that influence our ability to feel happy. If any of these are off kilter, long term happiness will be difficult to experience. These ingredients include: our upbringing, our biology, and our ability to reflect and process thoughts, emotions and experiences.

The final part in this series will be on technology and spirituality and how they can help or hinder our efforts to be happy.

But it all begins with……

Becoming a teenager brings on a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams and ambitions.

We start relating to people differently. We experiment. Our bodies change. We feel awkward at times, and learning to communicate from this new “mature” way of being requires practice. For many people, this is the time we figure out what we want from life and who we are as individuals. The need for our own private space increases, and because of our biology, (covered in part two of this series) we experience mood changes.

Meeting the challenges that arise in our teens requires a more mature skill set than the one we developed in childhood.

If we have unresolved conflicts from the past, finding solutions to the new and more complex challenges we’re presented with in our teens becomes even more difficult, because the mental/emotional foundation that was supposed to be formed in childhood didn’t have the chance to solidify.

We made choices because we needed to, but often did so without having a sense of what the outcomes might look like.

For some people, instead of coming into clarity, being a teenager brought on additional confusion, which remained with them as they moved into adulthood.

The Takeaway

If we have wounds from the past that weren’t addressed in childhood, or as a teenager, we carry the unresolved pain into adulthood.

To be happy, we need to feel clear, solid and secure within ourselves so that we can make choices that help us feel confident.

Confidence is the glue happiness needs to stick to you!

Turning it Around

Having a difficult childhood doesn’t mean long term happiness, confidence, or fulfilment isn’t possible.

Here are some solutions you can implement as an adult that will ensure your tomorrows don’t feel like yesterday did.

Solutions:

• Therapy. A skilled therapist can help you process your wounds (past/present) and experience growth in ways you couldn’t as a child. There’s a reason why so many people change with good therapy.
• Read Self-Help books. Find books that speak to the circumstances you’ve been exposed to. Fill your mind with helpful ideas so that you can create a list of internal resources, and use the ideas on your list to create change.
• Join social/support groups. No matter what your challenges were or are there are groups available to help you. Seeing other people who live with the same challenges as yours can help you feel less alone. As a child, teen or adult, your problems may have created an unhealthy need for isolation. Attending groups can help you experience happiness and provide the space to connect with others in ways that are meaningful.
• Keep your body fit. No matter what you’ve been through or are going through, exercise helps you feel better. It also helps to create a distraction, which allows the mind to process events and ideas differently.
• Don’t go it alone. People who have been wounded have a hard time trusting others. It may feel counterintuitive when you initially reach out for support, but the fact is, you need good people in your life for you to live well. Start slow. Try to build one meaningful relationship at a time. If you need help, go to places where help is offered. You’ll feel better for doing it, and you’ll learn to see yourself more positively as a result. You need to feel positive about yourself to feel happy.

Joseph Eliezer is a Clinical Counsellor and Psychotherapist who helps people transform emotional, mental, and spiritual unease into confidence, clarity, prosperity, and vitality. He writes inspirational/motivational books including Simply Spirit.   Follow him on Twitter.

Contact us to learn how to submit articles to AYRIAL.  We invite you to share your thoughts with us.